Don’t Wing It: How to Build a Forum Code of Conduct That Actually Works

Group Name – Don’t force it. I usually assign a placeholder name when launching a group—something fun or thematic. The real name tends to emerge later, after shared experiences shape the group’s identity. Forcing it upfront leads to names that feel hollow. Let it evolve.

Forum Purpose & Values – Use the defaults, for now. These aren’t just filler; they’re based on what’s worked for dozens of successful groups. Most teams don’t have the clarity or cohesion in the early days to craft deep purpose or values. Save that work for your annual retreat, when trust is high and people are ready to go deeper.

Meeting Logistics – Set a recurring monthly date and time. Predictability creates rhythm. A rotating schedule leads to burnout and missed meetings. One person should own rescheduling (if needed), but if no consensus can be reached, the original date stands. That clarity reduces drama.

Dinners – Make them mandatory. Why? Because the best conversations often happen after the meeting. I call it the “boardroom vs. the bar” dynamic, the formal stuff happens in the meeting, but the bonding happens at the dinner table.

Virtual Attendance Policy – Pick a lane: all in-person or all virtual. Hybrid sounds inclusive, but it rarely works. In-person members bond deeply while virtual ones feel like outsiders. You’ll always get a “two-tier” culture. Make a clear choice, and stick to it.

Full Retreats – Minimum 48 hours. Two overnights. Time away from your normal environment is critical to reset, connect, and go deeper. Don’t underestimate the power of shared meals, fireside chats, and spontaneous moments. Whether it’s a $10,000 week abroad or a weekend at someone’s lake house, the magic comes from time and intention, not cost.

Pay up front – Retreats are the #1 drop-off point for new members. Asking for payment 30 days in advance increases commitment and reduces last-minute flakes that leave you stuck with costs.

Fines & Misses – 2.5 misses is the sweet spot. It balances accountability with flexibility. And the “cooling off” period after removal helps ensure decisions aren’t emotional. In my experience, people rarely return after they leave—and that’s okay. They self-select out of the commitment.

Buzz = fine – Whether it’s a text ding or a phone ring, it breaks the sacred space of the meeting. Fines ($20 is standard) aren’t about punishment, they’re about protecting focus.

Forum Financials – Choose a system, upfront or split-as-you-go. A quarterly pool simplifies payments, but it can create awkwardness if someone misses a dinner. Splitting live keeps it fair, but takes time. Neither is perfect, just pick what suits your group’s personality.

Discuss alcohol – Yes, really. It’s the number one variable in skyrocketing dinner bills, and can cause tension if not addressed. Some people love fine wine; others don’t drink at all. Decide together what’s fair.

Member Evaluation – Make it annual. Just like a business does performance reviews, forums should too. This isn’t about judgment, it’s about alignment, accountability, and giving people a chance to course-correct.

Code of Conduct Updates – 2/3 vote at the retreat. Unanimous vote mid-year. This ensures you don’t rewrite the rules impulsively. Annual reviews keep it fresh, while the unanimous rule protects against emotional flip-flops during the year.

FMLA Leave Policy – This is essential. Life happens, health issues, caregiving, burnout. Having a clear leave policy ensures people can step away and come back without guilt or penalties. It also helps the group plan accordingly.

New and Departing Members – Unanimous vote in, ideally one-month notice out. This protects group trust. And forfeiting pre-paid fees? It’s less about money, more about honoring the group’s shared commitment.

Business & Romantic Relationships – Protect the Forum space. Business and romantic entanglements often lead to guarded sharing, power dynamics, or fallout. Some casual exchanges (like dining at a member’s restaurant) are fine, but anything beyond a set threshold (say, $500) should be discussed with the group.

Conflict Resolution – Default to structure, not emotion. If a situation isn’t covered in the Code, use a 2/3 vote excluding the person in question. If tied, the moderator decides. This gives you clarity when things get messy.

Forum Size – 6–10 members is the ideal range. Fewer than six and it’s too shallow. More than ten and it’s hard to get meaningful airtime. Unless your meetings are longer, I advise staying under ten.

Forum Pillars (Experience-Sharing, Confidentiality, etc.) – These are your sacred values. Emphasize that members speak from experience, carry their own “handbags,” and protect the room. Especially for confidentiality: one violation should trigger an automatic group conversation and unanimous vote to keep the member. The group needs to feel safe, period.